Counting Sheep

In my first email to subscribers of www.staceygautreau.com, I said don’t follow me, follow Jesus. I meant that. I still mean that. But I’m not immune to the social media frenzy that equates followers, likes and subscribers to being worthy or relevant. I was recently part of a video with my career coach, Dima Ghawi, on Celebrating the Small Things. This topic came up because at three months into staceygautreau.com, I was holding up celebrating. The number of subscribers weren’t where I wanted them to be.

I had all the plans in the world to celebrate when I reached 100 subscribers. But before I could celebrate 100 subscribers, my website manager called and said, “You are at 118 subscribers!” Instead of celebrating right then, because I was stunned to hear that number so soon, the over-achiever part of me kicked in! “Ok … well, I’ll hold off and celebrate when I reach 250 subscribers.” Who says that? Who doesn’t think the 100 subscribers within the first few posts are worth celebrating? Over achievers, that’s who! 

I watched the list grow and then it stalled out at 220 subscribers. I never celebrated. 

On my 33rd Birthday, after my divorce, my mom sent me a birthday card and it read, Life is Meant to Be Celebrated! Those instructions have stuck in my head for 15 years. I often sign birthday cards for my friends that exact same way. As an over-achiever, I have missed out on celebrating a lot of life. There are big moments in life and there are times when you win the blue ribbon but most of the moments are the small ones. I want to celebrate those. 

I was obsessed for a few weeks over watching the list. A few days would pass, maybe one new subscriber would trickle in. And one day, I opened the analytics app and I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had about seven new subscribers that week …

But 1 Unsubscriber

That’s exactly how I read it. “But” one unsubscriber. Not “and” one unsubscriber. No, that’s not how over-achievers read things. That one disappointment can negate all the positives. That’s another reason we don’t celebrate along the way. What if we don’t reach the big goal in the very end. Won’t we look stupid for celebrating earlier? I’ve warned you all … I’m sick. I work on my vulnerabilities every day but that doesn’t mean I’m cured. 

That one unsubscriber set off a tornado in my head and brought out more vulnerabilities than just my over-achiever. Someone doesn’t think I’m Amazing? Someone doesn’t think that what I have to say is meaningful, relevant, helpful? Do they think I’m a fraud? Am I still a big deal?  Who could it be? Are they ok? Do I need to offer them more encouragement? Maybe I’ll read through the list of 200+ subscribers and figure out who it is. Ok. Maybe I’ll read through the list again. Ok, one more time. All code for people pleasing, approval addiction, over responsibility and yes, over achiever. 

But you have to keep reading for the funny stuff! I honestly tried to equate this little bitty situation to the parable of the Good Shepherd. Ya’ll! I’m not kidding. After I thought on this for several days, I had convinced myself that it couldn’t be me. There’s no way this person was  just not interested in my stories. This person may be in a dark place. Should I leave the 99 sheep to go find this one? I mean, that’s what good people do, right? And then, as I continued to pray and read my Bible, God showed up and did a little slapping around ….

Stacey, you are the sheep. You are not the Shepherd. I am. 

Oh my gosh! I hope by now you are cracking up laughing because I had to laugh at myself! My husband laughed at me too! Sometimes, I get caught looking silly because I think i’m so important. I think I can do His work. 

God was very clear when he gave me my assignment nine months ago. He told me to take a leap of faith and share my stories of fear and shame with the world. He promised to use it for good. Funny, he never said he would use it to grow my subscriber list. And he sure didn’t tell me to run after any sheep!

So, friends, let me get back to doing what sheep do. Let me get back in my lane and work my assignment. And let me continue to work on these vulnerabilities and learn to celebrate being a sheep. All along the way!