Why Can't I Talk About It?

I struggle sharing my thoughts and feelings about things I haven’t figured out yet. I can spill my guts if God’s brought me to the other side. If there has been a victory of some sort. But I’m noticing when I’m smack dab in the middle of the darkness, I don’t share and I don’t ask for help. That’s control. That’s self righteousness. Maybe even pride. All silent killers and self limiting. 

In September I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Melanoma Cancer and had surgery in October. It left a larger scar than I anticipated on my right forearm and a small cut under my arm to test two lymph nodes. But, afterwards I was considered clean of cancer. I jumped right to the stage, telling my story. I told an entire audience how God had spoke to me through the word Unhurry. How I had missed my annual exam but had taken my children to the dermatologist several times. I was too busy to make time for my own health. And then that day in September when I had a scheduled visit for both my son and I, I told Dr. Thorla to check him out but that I was good. I’ll come back later, we’re in a hurry. 

Thank God, Dr. Thorla insisted that day.  He said that if you won’t put a gown on, at least pull up your sleeves and let me look at your arms. That’s when he found the first spot. I could tell by his reaction that it wasn’t good. I didn’t try to push him off after that.  I sat down on the table, and he shaved the spot to be sent off for testing. I had a very hard time talking about the cancer before I was given the “all clear.” 

Last Thursday I had a migraine so bad that I couldn’t lift my head. Todd was working out of town so I was running the house alone. I thought if I could just get some help in the morning getting the kids to school, I would be ok. At lunch, I was still sick. But if my bestie could run pick up my prescription, I would be ok. And by 1:00, I knew I was in trouble. I called Mom to come. She said, “I’ll be right there.” 

Mom lives an hour and 45 minutes away. It’s hard sometimes. But I knew the minute I called her, she would be right there. So why didn’t I call earlier? I felt bad. I had work, the house, both kids had ortho appointments and Dr. Thorla had found another spot. This time it was on the front of my left shoulder. It came back precancerous. I’m having a hard time talking about it. 

Last week was tough. For a moment, I had to stop. I lost two days of work, the laundry piled up quickly, there was nothing cooked on the stove or in the fridge and I felt less than, weak. My sister-in-law took the kids to the ortho and I couldn’t even get back to Dr. Thorla for him to shave more of the spot. That’s the stuff you don’t see on Facebook or Instagram. These are the things we don’t boast about. And yet we know that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. 

My mom came in with a bag of groceries and started cooking. She didn’t stop cooking or doing laundry for two days. She drove me to the doctor to get a shot for the migraine pain.  She cleaned up her car while I was inside. I couldn’t get my head out of her car door fast enough to vomit on the side of the road. My momma slept on the sofa so my kids could stay in their bed on a school night. My momma made my favorite, cinnamon toast, when I finally wanted something to eat even though she had a six course meal already on the stove. 

She told me how glad she was to be there. She had been worried and wanted to see my face and hold my hand ever since I told her about the second spot a few days before. She was trying so hard to let me be big, but she wanted to hold me. She got her wish and a lot more. I was blocking her blessing by being prideful … by being so big. I don’t want to be such a big deal that I don’t need Jesus. 

I’ll keep repeating this to myself as long as it takes. God made us to connect, to do life together. He’s glorified when we ask for help. Find me scripture that says isolate, be secretive with your struggles, don’t ask for help, work yourself into the ground. It doesn’t exist because no way can we find grace and mercy in that environment. If there is no grace and mercy, there is no Jesus.

God, Give me the courage to ask for help out loud and according to your will. It’s the next step in my journey. I want to boast of your miracles when they are done … but also boast and praise you while I wait. I will welcome a feeling of powerlessness and weakness knowing that your grace and mercy is sufficient. Your power is perfected in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9 

Amen!