Sidni asked me a poignant question the very first time I met her. Why do you have to invite me to the table? I was taken aback. I had just met her. A mutual friend introduced us in passing. She said we should know each other. We chatted quickly about what we do. I learned she was in the business of gaining capital and building capacity for minority businesses. I worked for a big company that had a reputation for community building and philanthropy.

I want to share some thoughts but I’m scared. I want to keep the conversation going … past the Summer of 2020, past the election, past MLK Day. I’ve been told that as a white woman, I can’t talk about diversity. But it’s laying so heavy on my heart. So I do what I normally do and I say it out loud to see if the fear will go away or if God shuts me down. I did that several weeks ago by saying it out loud on my Instagram account.

I bought a real tree! I’m telling EVERYONE. I have surprised myself and I guess I want others to know what a big deal it is for me. Aren’t we just like kids when we want to be recognized?

Sometime back, there was a picture of a dress circulating on social media. All the hoop-la was about what color you saw when you looked at it. I thought about that as I found this Meyer lemon on Gautreau Acres this morning. At first, I saw low hanging fruit. My first inclination was to pick it, cut it open and see how it taste … even though I knew it was still early. And then as I put my hand around it, a little whisper spoke to my spirit. To pick it now would be short sighted.

I’ve thought from a young age that I’m responsible for way more than I am. I did not think I was worthy of rest and relaxation. I struggle to watch a movie and do nothing … surely I can fold a load of laundry while I’m just sitting here. And although there were a few things going on in our household that emphasized this thinking … for the most part, it was just me. It’s how I’m wired.

Mom and Dad had these sayings that didn’t make sense at the time, but I couldn’t help but remember them because they had a habit of repeating themselves. My first big paycheck came in 1998, well after I entered the workforce. For years I struggled to make ends meet as a teacher, as a trainer for the State, and working for the University. Then I finally made my way to private business. I was super excited about the upgrade in office furniture and the paycheck. Mom and Dad were both proud. And I remember Dad saying, “The more you make, the more you spend.” 

Common ground never crossed my mind other than knowing that we all deal with fear and shame. I was still thinking that my ugly truths, like being [married three times] or my [son leaving home] to live with his dad were things that happened just to me. You couldn’t have possibly experienced the same thing. Maybe you experienced something similar … but not the same thing. 

There was always room at their table. Dad recalled times during the week when PawPaw may bring someone home that needed a meal. MawMaw would get aggravated and claim she had not cooked enough. “Awwww, Mary … we have enough,” PawPaw would say. And somehow they always did. 

As I started my career, I felt as though I was well educated and prepared. But, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared to hear comments like, “I thought she was just cute, she has a brain too.” “Come sit in my lap while you tell me about it.” And one morning, as I entered a meeting a few minutes late into a room full of men, the gentleman said, “Oh! Thank goodness she’s here, she can take the notes.” 

 I am extremely competitive. I laughed too when Ricky Bobby said, "If you're not first, you're last." But I may have been laughing because for the first time, someone described my personal operating system exactly.  As 2018 has been my year to PAUSE, REFLECT and RESET, I have begun to question how I will manage my life and career growing forward. New Truth: I'm not as motivated by competition as I once was.