There Is Room In The Audience

The Summer of my Junior Year in high school I was already noticing the toll stress and anxiety could take on my body. I stayed nervous. My anxiety caused chronic gastrointestinal inflammation.  The doctor wanted to take a look around in my stomach.  I vividly remember them numbing my throat … they said it would taste like bananas, it didn’t …. And calmly he said Swallow. Swallow. Swallow. The small camera attached to the end of the tube took some pictures.

At 25, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA). What causes RA is still unknown, but stress is certainly a part of flare ups. My doctor began to share information with me on how stress and worry can impact my autoimmune system. 

I’ve thought from a young age that I’m responsible for way more than I am. I did not think I was worthy of rest and relaxation. I struggle to watch a movie and do nothing … surely I can fold a load of laundry while I’m just sitting here. And although there were a few things going on in our household that emphasized this thinking … for the most part, it was just me. It’s how I’m wired. My parents never pressured me to make certain grades or try out for the team. They were busy working and raising a family. The only rules they insisted upon was, “finish what you start and if you are going to do something, do it well.” 

So where did this notion come from that I must be productive to be valuable? And by productive I mean working to the point of exhaustion and being first. I’ve learned through years of therapy that we don’t do anything unless we’re getting something out of it. I worked all the time and was constantly competing because that’s the only way I felt worthy and important. But today, I know my worth is not equivalent to my productivity. 

My one word for 2019 was Growth. And again, I thought that would mean I need to do more, be more, learn more, push more. And it did mean more. But it meant more time listening versus talking. More time watching others versus performing. More time reading and journaling.  I spent more time listening to God in prayer instead of talking to God. 

God has given each of us a gift. I am a performer. A producer. A director. But in 2019, I also sat in the audience. Last week my husband and I went to New Orleans to watch Broadway’s A Christmas Story at the beautiful Saenger Theater. At the busiest time of year, I gave myself permission to relax. As I sat in the plush Orchestra Center row, I told myself several times to breathe. Lower your shoulders, Stacey. Stop worrying about if your husband is enjoying the show. If you want some popcorn, get some popcorn. I understand that may sound strange to some …. but even though I had to talk myself through it, I did relax. And I enjoyed the show!

I know I belong on stage. But He also says I’m worthy of rest. Only by coming to Him in rest do I receive assurance that I’m doing what He wants me to do and not just playing a role. He expects me to come to him tired and out of answers. So when you feel that way at the end, it’s not a bad thing or uncommon. It just means it’s time to rest and relax. Rest can be found in the audience. There is Room for You in the Audience.

So I recommend having fun, because there is nothing better for people in this world than to eat, drink, and enjoy life. That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them under the sun. Ecclesiastes 8:15