What's He Going To Say?

Since I can remember, I have been over-responsible. My parents ran their own business that was 24/7. Growing up in the small town of Franklinton, Louisiana, if you didn’t run your own business and run it well, it was hard to raise a family. I was answering the phone and taking customer orders at 12 years old and at 15, I was running orders in my own car. Even though I had just gotten my driver’s license, I had been mom and dad’s sidekick on the road for so long. I never hesitated to type up an invoice and run an order 45 miles away. I knew I was doing things my friends weren’t doing. I had a lot of responsibility. 

Like most attributes, being over-responsible served me well and not so well along the way. I do think it’s what has driven most of my academic and career success. I also think as I managed through some tough life experiences, it got me out of bed. On the flip side, being over-responsible has led to some junk that I didn’t need to carry all this time. If I’m responsible for “all of this” … whatever “all of this” is … I must also be responsible for your behavior. Your behavior reflects upon me. It must have been something I did or didn’t do that made you behave that way.

This is a lie that I carried all the way into my 40’s. Time wasted. 

After an amazing love story that only God could put together, I still carried some of that thinking into my marriage with Todd.  If you haven’t read I’ve Been Married Three Times and Those People check it out. I refer to “those people’ a lot in my writing. Those are the voices in my head that keep me from living my full potential and having all that God wants for me. 

“Those People” were telling me that this love story was too good to be true. “Those People” told me as soon as I sold my home, the home I struggled to keep for 10 years after my second divorce, that things would surely fail and I would be starting over again. “Those People” told me that Todd had spent 20 years single and dating, I couldn’t possibly be enough for him. 

“Those People” tried to sabotage our love story. “Those People” continued to run through my head even after I said “I Do”. When “those people” were super loud, my conversations with Todd were stressful. One morning, about a month into the marriage, after one of those conversations, Todd asked me a simple question that caught me off guard. 

“What are you so afraid of, Stacey?” 

Afraid? I’m not afraid. I’ve never been afraid. Do you know I was the first in my family to leave home and go to college? Do you know that I’ve raised two boys as a single mom. Do you know that I have a big job with big responsibility? 

Afraid? Do you know that I’m the answer person, the care taker and the enabler? I will take care of me, you, my family, your family, the family down the street, everyone at work, and the lady who can’t pay her bill at the grocery store. I’ll take care of you even when you don’t want or need me to. 

Afraid? Did he really just ask me that? Am I afraid? Do I appear afraid? How can he see that I’m afraid? I’m afraid. Say it out loud, Stacey. Just say it out loud. You’ve made such big strides in getting rid of this old stuff. You love him, he loves you. Just tell him. 

“Todd, I am afraid of being embarrassed. I’m embarrassed by my failed marriages and I don’t want to be embarrassed again. If you do something to jeopardize the marriage, then that would seal the deal. People would say, I can’t make a marriage work. I’m not enough.” 

Between the time I ran through this entire conversation in my head and when it fell out of my mouth, I don’t think I took a breath. It went so fast. I was wound up tight. He caught me off guard with such a real question. How did he know that “those people” in my head run off fear and shame? And now, the next fear factor …

“WHAT’S HE GOING TO SAY?” 

“Stacey, I stood in front of my family and friends and said ‘I Do’ to you. I gave you all of me, in front of everyone that I love. And you think if I do wrong, you would be embarrassed? No. I would be the one embarrassed and that would have nothing to do with you.”

Nothing to do with me? Nothing? Really? 

I laid another lie down that day and chose to live in freedom. This is what its like to share your life with a person that has your best interest at heart. This is what its like to be yoked with someone that takes responsibility for his own behaviors and actions. This is safe. This is love. This is freedom.

Less and less of what people do, say or think has anything to do with me. Today.