I’ve been married three times. Am I Still a Big Deal?

I am convinced that the enemy knows our weakest link. What I didn’t trust is Jesus does too. Career success, academics, social and community engagement has always been part of my strengths. I get it from my Momma. Intimate relationships, understanding who I should be yoked with, boundaries and self confidence…. Those are things that I have struggled with since I was old enough to date. I wanted to play it safe or fix someone. I trusted people to love me when they needed me, I didn’t trust people to love me when they didn’t. 

I married my high school sweetheart two weeks after graduating college. He and I both knew it wasn’t quite right, but it was safe for both of us. We married in June and by April the following year it was over. It was a tremendous lesson. We both were doing what the world said we were supposed to do … fall in love, go to college and then get married.

Two years later, I married again. This time it was the complete opposite so it must be right,  Right? Another lesson, when you find the extreme opposite and think because it is the extreme opposite it must be right, it’s usually not. There was nothing safe about my second marriage. It was full of passion and adventure but also self destruction and instability.

My second marriage brought children. I gained my son Bryce who was three at the time. He’s now 28 and will marry the girl of his dreams this year. I had Jackson March, 2006. He is my social justice warrior, sports enthusiast and strong willed child. He was eight months old when the second marriage ended.  

As a single mom, I had something to prove. I was going to do everything with my boys that we did as a family. “They weren’t going to miss out on a thing.” As a result, I continued to put myself last. I learned during this time that regardless of who or what was in my life, I was not going to take care of myself and I had a habit of doing for others what they should do for themselves. How was I ever going to get to the promise land like this? Did you know that although it took the Israelites 40 years in the wilderness, it was only a two week trip? Likewise, I wondered around my own desert for nine years. And it took every bit of nine years for God to prepare me for my King.

Needless to say, there are many messy details in between and a lot of grace and mercy. But on New Year’s Eve, headed into 2015, God spoke clearly to me. You are ready. This year, I will bring you a King. And I believed it with all my heart. I was ready to receive it, or was I?

I knew God had renewed me. I was spiritually more fit, mentally and physically healthy. My life was full and I was content. But there was still one phrase that a dear friend would whisper to me that would bring me to tears, “Let love in.” If love with a partner was what I wanted, why did those words evoke so much emotion? I wasn’t a girl that just dated. I had too much at stake. If I let you in my life in an intimate way, around my family and friends … it was to marry. However, the number three had me scared to death and carried so much power over me.  That number lied to me and continued to tell me I wasn’t worthy, I couldn’t do it, it would end in failure. It was the last lie I had to confront. And even bigger, the King God was preparing for me would have to be ok with it also. I would have to speak this out loud. Acceptance was at play. Once again, would I be worthy of intimate love? 

On February 7, 2015, I met my King. In August of 2016 we entered into a covenant marriage surrounded by family and friends.  

I’m considered a big deal in the “worldly” sense. I’m a people leader in a Top 100 global company, I have several business awards hanging on the wall, a beautiful home and beautiful family, engaged in several worthwhile causes.

I also have two failed marriages and am married for a third time. Am I still a big deal?